Week One: Chesed - Love
Love is the single most powerful and necessary component in life. Love is the origin and foundation of all human interactions. It is both giving and receiving. It allows us to reach above and beyond ourselves. To experience another person and to allow that person to experience us. It is the tool by which we learn to experience the highest reality - G-d. In a single word: love is transcendence.
DAY 1
Chesed of Chesed –The Love Aspect of Love –
Examine the love aspect of love. The expression of love and its level of intensity. Everyone has the capacity to love in their hearts.
The question is if and how we actualize and express it.
Ask yourself:
What is my capacity to love another person?
I’m not sure how one would quantify how much you can feel a feeling; but I do know that some people feel their feelings very intensely while others only graze the surface; so, I think capacity should be thought of in terms of how deeply one feels their feelings. If you can feel passionately about a cause or intensely angry about a disappointment, then you should be able to feel the same level of love for your mate.
Do I have problems with giving? Am I stingy or selfish?
It’s one thing to love someone, but something very different to give that feeling to the other. Some people just have trouble sharing, which is usually motivated by the sense that there’s not enough to go around. Someone who is stingy with their money and how they spend it on others is manifesting how one can be stingy with their love. This is indeed a bleak position and can only lead to loneliness, even while in the presence of others.
Do I have room for someone else?
If you are overwhelmed with life, whether it be work, kids, aging parents, illness, or whatever you are facing, you probably don’t have room for someone else. Not having room should be a relatively temporary situation, not a life long condition.
Do I allow room for someone else?
Sometimes our defenses can be our enemy rather than our ally. It’s all too easy to think of many reasons why another isn’t quite right
for us because it’s easier to reject up front than to perhaps get rejected later on. Do we really need to be so busy with work and fixing up the house to the exclusion of a relationship?
Is it difficult for me to let someone else into my life?
Letting someone in means letting your guard down and some people hold onto their walls for fear they will get demolished in the experience of being intimate with another.
Am I afraid of my vulnerability, of opening up and getting hurt?
It makes sense to avoid pain, but if we chose wisely, we diminish the potential for that pain. Too often I’ve known of people who were afraid of being hurt by a mate and they rejected one good choice after another, only to decide upon the person who was the most likely to hurt them in the way they feared the most. If we allow fear to make our decisions, we can be assured of hurt. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means you trust yourself to make good choices and be able to handle whatever consequences may arise of your choices.
How do I express love?
People show their love in different ways and sometimes that difference causes difficulty with their mate. If one shows their love by doing things and their mate just wants a hug, the expression of love will get missed. How I let my mate know I love them has to be expressed in a way they can hear.
Am I able to communicate my true feelings?
All feelings are real even if they’re not based in reality, so getting to the root of a feeling can sometimes be arduous. Often, by the time we get to our true feeling, we have processed enough emotion that we can communicate clearly.
Do I withhold expressing love out of fear of reaction?
If you fear that your mate does not love you enough to respond positively to your declaration, there is something radically wrong with the relationship. If your fear is totally self generated, you are simply making an excuse to be stingy and withhold your love.
Do I often express too much too early?
I believe it was a Jerome Kern song that said, “Falling in love with love is falling for make believe. Falling in love with love is playing the fool.” If you love someone before you know them, you’re more likely in love with a projection you have placed on them.
Do others misunderstand my intentions?
If one person does, perhaps I need to do something different with that one person or perhaps nothing will be correct because they misunderstand others often. If, however, this is a common theme for me, I am not expressing love in a healthy way and must discern what I am doing that is not being felt as loving.
Whom do I love?
This has to do with how conditional or universal my love is. If I like people in general, it is easy to have a loving attitude towards them.
Do I only love those that I relate to and who relate to me?
This is conditional love and leads to arrogance towards those who I judge to be inferior to me. Regardless of what they look like and their stature in life, every one of us comes from the same place and will experience an exit into the unknown. That alone makes us all equal.
Do I have the capacity to love a stranger; to lend a helping hand to someone I don't know?
When I was a child and young adult, it was not uncommon to pick up a hitch hiker, but our world is very different now and there are too many predators waiting for the loving, naïve soul. My grandson and I passed a homeless man and his dog and my kind grandson wanted to give him money. Wanting to make sure his charity was appropriated correctly, I suggested he buy the man and dog some food when we went into the store. There are ways to be loving towards a stranger without being taken for a ride, either literally or figuratively.
Do I express love only when it's comfortable?
It should always be comfortable expressing appropriate love, so, if you can define times that you feel uncomfortable with the expression, examine what exactly is making you feel that way.
Why do I have problems with love and what can I do about it?
Once we recognize we do something that is dysfunctional, we are faced with the choice to perpetuate the error or do something different.
Does my love include the other six aspects of Chesed (discipline, harmony, endurance, humility, bonding, and sovereignty) without which love will be distorted and unable to be truly realized?
DAY 2
Gevurah of Chesed --The Discipline Aspect of Love
If love (Chesed) is the bedrock of human expression, discipline (Gevurah) is the channels through which we express love. It gives our life and love direction and focus. Take a laser beam: Its potency lies in the focus and concentration of light in one direction rather than fragmented light beams dispersed in all different directions. Gevurah - discipline and measure - concentrates and directs our efforts, our love in the proper directions. Another aspect of Gevurah is -respect and awe. Healthy love requires respect for the one you love.
Healthy love must always include an element of discipline. A degree of distance and respect for the other. An assessment of the person’s capacity to contain your love. Love must be tempered and directed properly. Ask a parent who in the name of love has spoiled his child; or someone who suffocates their spouse with love and doesn't allow her any space of her own. Love with discretion is necessary to avoid giving to those that don't deserve it.
Is my love disciplined enough?
Control and balance come from appropriate discipline. As soon as you’re feeling out of control of yourself in a relationship, your love has
become undisciplined. To do anything well, we must be disciplined in our efforts; this is as true with our emotions as it is will playing a sport.
Do others take advantage of my giving nature?
Sometimes caretakers get involved with people who are takers and the imbalance of giving and receiving happens pretty quickly. Too often, the giver will give more rather than less because caretakers give to fix things. It can be difficult for a giver to stop giving, but it is healthy and necessary if the relationship is out of balance.
In my love is there as much emphasis on the one I love and his ability to contain my love as there is on me and my giving?
The discipline of love calls for us to stop giving of ourselves to those who use and abuse our gift. Some people are an empty pit and they will drain us of our energy and ultimately it is hurtful to our selves to keep giving. The same would be true of those who stomp on and throw our love away. Rejection is not love. Can we love too much? Not if it’s a healthy love. I’ve never heard of a child who died because they were loved and nurtured too much; however some people can’t accept the love we give them, so it is wise to hold back until they are more able to receive.
Am I hurting anyone by becoming their crutch in the name of love?
Some parents can not accept that their child may have done something inappropriate at school and will defend their child in the face of conflicting evidence. In the parent’s effort to protect their child from negative consequences, they are teaching their child to avoid taking
responsibility for their behavior. The same would be true of a parent or relative giving someone money knowing that they probably will use it
for drugs or alcohol; they hear the sob story created to obtain the money and ignore their better judgment and give the person the money even thought they are certain it will go for their addiction.
Am I hurting my children by forcing upon them my value system because I love them so?
Almost every parent of a teenager knows there comes a time when that teen will reject their stated values and espouse contrary values. Interracial relationships are a good example of this. Most parents have their prejudices about who is good and not so good for their children, but sometimes they take the form of how the friend looks rather than the substance of the friend. Prejudice is a result of the parent’s skewed view of a certain race and ultimately it would be harmful for the child to carry on that value.
Do I respect the one I love or is it a selfish love?
It is through respect that we can accept the needs of our mate as important as our own. Sometimes it is important for the relationship for one person to do and enjoy something that is boring to them but important to their spouse. You can’t love someone you don’t respect and you are therefore more likely to be unconcerned about their needs.
Do I see my beloved as an extension of myself and my needs?
We all know people who are your best friend as long as you agree with them, but once you think differently, you are their devote enemy. When you see someone as an extension of yourself, you don’t like them to have any level of independence or separateness and there is a tendency to be suspicious of their attempts to think differently.
Am I sensitive to his feelings and attitudes?
We all want to be understood and heard and, if someone is doing something to me because it brings them pleasure, but not me, I would want them to alter their behavior because it doesn’t fill my need. Well, the reverse is true too. Again, this has to do with meeting someone on their level in their world, not where we want them to be or think they should be.
Rain is a blessing only because it falls in drops that don't flood the fields.
DAY 3
Tiferet of Chesed – The Compassion Aspect of Love
Tiferet - compassion - blends and harmonizes the free outpouring love of Chesed with the discipline of Gevurah. Tiferet possesses this power by introducing a third dimension - the dimension of truth, which is neither love or discipline and therefore can integrate the two.
Truth is accessed through selflessness: rising above your ego and your predispositions, enables you to realize truth. A clear and objective picture of yours and others needs. The imbalance of love and discipline (and for that matter, any distortion) is a result of a subjective,
hence limited perspective; introducing truth, by suspending personal prejudices, allows you to express your feelings (including the synthesis of Chesed and Gevurah) in the healthiest manner.
This quality gives Tiferet its name, which means beauty: it blends the differing colors of love and discipline, and this harmony makes it beautiful. For Tiferet to be complete it needs the inclusion of the following seven facets: love of compassion, discipline of compassion, compassion of compassion, endurance of compassion, humility of compassion, bonding of compassion and sovereignty of compassion.
Compassion is the ability to put yourself in the others shoes; to see and feel things from another person’s perspective. This requires empathy and being able to get out of your own point of view. There is love and there is beautiful love. True love includes empathy and compassion which makes it a beautiful love. Love is often fostered in expectation of reciprocity. Real love is expressed even when one gets nothing in return; even when the other doesn't deserve love. Tiferet is giving also to those that have hurt you. It acknowledges the discipline of Gevurah and says that, nevertheless, compassionate love calls for helping all.
Love without compassion is obligatory love. A step parent may love the child of their new spouse, but it is not a love based on really knowing the child. Estranged siblings may still love their sibling, but it is based on societal and ingrained obligation. There is no heart to love without compassion.
DAY 4
Netzach of Chesed - The Endurance Aspect of Love
Endurance and ambition is a combination of determination and tenacity. It is a balance of patience, persistence and guts. Endurance is also being reliable and accountable, which establishes security and commitment. Without endurance, any good endeavor or intention has no chance of success.
Endurance means to be alive, to be driven by what counts. It is the readiness to fight for what you believe, to go all the way. Without such commitment any undertaking remains flat and empty. It is an energy which comes from within and stops at nothing to achieve its goals. This, of course, requires that endurance be closely examined to ensure that it is used in a healthy and productive manner.
Ask yourself: How committed am I to my values?
Every teenager has to experiment with values different and even opposite of how they were raised. Just as they test their parents, they test themselves; some may even do something they are later ashamed to admit. Sometimes we have to fail to realize how committed we are, but enduring commitment comes at the point there is no question about what we do as we consistently follow our core values.
How much would I fight for them?
The whole point of adolescence is to determine your values by looking at what you’ve been taught and deciding if it fits for you. Once we have determined our values, we will fight for them to the extent that we have developed our endurance. Weak people give into pressure and can then compromise their values.
Am I easily swayed?
I once knew an administrator who would diplomatically say, “I feel strongly both ways.” He was at least conscious of his choice to bounce back and forth over the fence. There are some who are easily manipulated, but don’t know it’s happening because they are so eager to
please; they let others think for them.
What price am I ready to pay for my beliefs?
Catholic children grow up reading about the Saints, many of whom were martyrs who died for their faith. This is the ultimate price to pay for your beliefs. It can be difficult and conflictual to maintain a belief that others oppose and it takes tenacious endurance to maintain what you believe.
Is there any truth for which I would be ready to give my life?
In today’s society, there are few places one would need to give up their life for their beliefs, but we can lose our life in many ways. Sometimes, taking an unpopular position figuratively kills you, but you’re still dead to whatever ended. People have quit jobs and ended careers based on a conflict of beliefs with those in power.
Effective endurance needs to encompass the following seven ingredients: love, discipline, compassion, endurance, humility, bonding and dignity. The problems people have with endurance and commitment are due to a lack of one or more of these seven components
In order for something to survive, it must be able to persist over time and withstand challenges. Without resolution, we would waver with every struggle and lose focus on whatever it is we are striving to achieve. It is important to be consistent, for trust to develop and grow.
Does my love withstand challenges and setbacks?
Life has its ups and downs and it's easy to feel love when everything is going well, but the muster of our love is when things are not going well. It is through endurance that we are able to love even when our world appears to be crumbling.
Is my love enduring?
Endurance is the ability to feel love towards someone regardless of whatever other things we may feel towards that person. It is sometimes very difficult to love someone while you are angry with them, but it is the endurance aspect of love that enables us to stay connected and continue in our love.
How much am I ready to fight for the love I have?
When things are tough between two people, it is easy to flee physically and emotionally. To do this for a short time while we regroup is to be expected, but when it goes on for prolonged periods, the love once shared becomes empty. When times are difficult with the one we love, our ability to persist is what keeps our love alive.
Does my love have spirit and valor?
Endurance should not be confused with stubbornness and spirit and valor modify any tendency towards obstinacy. Persistence for the sake of not letting go is not healthy endurance, nor is persisting long after you should have let go.
Do something that takes fight for a loved one.
DAY 5
Hod of Chesed – The Humility Aspect of Love
If endurance is the engine of life humility is its fuel. As Gevurah (discipline) gives Chesed (love) focus, Hod gives Netzach direction.
Humility is the silent partner of endurance. Its strength is in its silence. Its splendor in its repose. Humility leads to yielding, which is an essential element of Humility -and the resulting yielding - should not be confused with weakness and lack of self-esteem.
Humility is modesty; it is acknowledgement (from the root "hoda'ah"). It is saying "thank you" to G-d. It is clearly recognizing your qualities and strengths and acknowledging that they are not your own; they were given to you by G-d for a higher purpose than just satisfying your own needs. Humility is modesty; it is recognizing how small you are which allows you to realize how large you can become. And that makes humility so formidable.
Endurance draws its energy from the acknowledgement of humility. Human endurance goes only as far as your tolerance level. Acknowledging that your strengths come from a higher place gives you the power to endure far beyond your own perceived capacity. It gives you part of G-d's enduring strength.
A full cup cannot be filled. When you're filled with yourself and your needs, "I and nothing else", there is no room for more. When you "empty" yourself before something which is greater than yourself, you allow in much more than your limited capacity. Humility is the key to transcendence; to reach beyond yourself. Only true humility gives you the power of total objectivity.
Humility is sensitivity; it is healthy shame out of recognition that you can be better than you are and that you expect more of yourself. Although humility is silent it is not a void. It is a dynamic expression of life that includes all seven qualities of love, discipline, compassion, endurance, humility, bonding and sovereignty. Humility is active not passive. Not a state of being but an interaction even in its calm and inaction.
You can often get locked in love and be unable to forgive your beloved or to bend or compromise your position. Hod introduces the aspect of humility in love; the ability to rise above yourself and forgive or give in to the one you love just for the sake of love even if you're convinced that you're right. Arrogant love is not love.
Does love humble me?
It’s important to understand that being humble doesn’t mean being less than or letting others take advantage of you. The first reflects poor self esteem and the latter is self abusive. Humility has to do with the realization that we are very small indeed and our will is secondary to what God has in store for us. I can only hope that God will be gentle with me.
Am I arrogant in my love?
Sometimes one or both people in a relationship think their role is more important than the others; they make more money, they work harder, they take care of the kids 24/7. Whatever their justification for feeling superior to their mate, they are coming from a position of arrogance. When all is said and done, we all end up dead and that makes us all ultimately equal.
Do I realize that the ability to love comes from a greater, higher place; from G-d?
When you realize your loved one is in perfect harmony with you in your love exchange, you can’t help feeling awe for the wonderful gift God has given us.
And knowing that shouldn't I enter into any love with total humility, recognizing the great privilege of being able to love?
Knowing that the Divine gave us the gift of love should easily translate into the recognition of God within the relationship. We are certainly humble in the presence of our God.
Do I realize that through love I receive more than I give?
Emotions are contagious and the prime example of the adage, “You get what you give.” The nice thing about love is it feels good; it feels good to give it and it feels good to receive it. When you are in a healthy relationship, the love that you share is a continuous stream from one to the other, a stream with no beginning and no end.
Do I appreciate the one I love for this?
How could I not appreciate the one I love for helping me feel wonderful? Humble love, equal love is divine.
Swallow your pride and reconcile with a loved one you have quarreled with.
DAY 6
Yesod of Chesed – The Bonding Aspect of Love
Bonding is the ultimate emotional connection. While the first five qualities (love, discipline, compassion, endurance and humility) are interactive, they manifest duality: the lover and the beloved. The emphasis is on an individual's feelings, not necessarily on mutuality.
Bonding, on the other hand, is a complete fusion of the two. Without bonding no feeling can be truly realized. Bonding means connecting; not only feeling for another, but being attached to him. Not just a token commitment, but total devotion. It creates a channel between giver and receiver. Bonding is eternal. It develops an everlasting union that lives on forever through the perpetual fruit it bears. Bonding is the foundation of life. Bonding is the emotional spine of the human psyche. Every person needs bonding to flourish and grow. The bonding between mother and child; between husband and wife; between brothers and sisters; between close friends is affirmation and it gives one the sense of belonging; that "I matter", "I am significant and important". It establishes trust - trust in your self and trust in others. It instills confidence. Without bonding and nurturing we cannot realize and be our best selves.
Bonding channels all five previous qualities into a constructive bond, giving it the meaning "foundation". Whereas all other human feelings are individual emotions, separate stories of a building, each a necessary component of human experience, bonding channels and integrates them all into one bond which creates a foundation upon which the structure of human emotions firmly stands. Bonding is giving all of your self not just part; it is not one emotion but all of them. So Yesod completes the spectrum of the first six emotions.
The foundation of Yesod is different from an ordinary foundation. It does not just rest beneath the higher levels of the structure, but encompasses them all. It is an effective bedrock of the emotional psyche that cannot remain separate but must include and permeate all the emotions. Only then can bonding be constructive and everlasting.
For love to be eternal it requires bonding and a sense of togetherness that actualizes the love in a joint effort. Bonding establishes an
intimate connection, kinship, and attachment that benefits both parties. This bonding eventually bears fruit; the fruit born out of a healthy
union.
In order for a baby to survive, their mother needs to be able to bond to the newborn and the newborn to them. As a child grows, the strength of this bond will influence the person’s abilities throughout their life. Appropriate bonding develops trust and the ability to make good
decisions. If we don’t feel bonded to something, it is emotionally easy to misuse and discard it; it is our bonding that makes the other
meaningful.
DAY 7
Sovereignty - the last of the seven attributes - is different than the previous six. It is a state of being rather than an activity.
Leadership is a passive expression of human dignity which has nothing of its own except that which it receives from the other six emotions.
On the other hand, Malchut manifests and actualizes the character and majesty of the human spirit. It is the very fiber of what makes us human. When love, discipline, compassion, endurance and humility are properly channeled into the psyche through bonding -the result is Malchut. Bonding nurtures us and allows our sovereignty to surface and flourish. Malchut is a sense of belonging, knowing that you matter and that you make a difference and that you have the ability to be a proficient leader in your own right. It gives you independence and confidence and a feeling of certainty and authority. When a mother lovingly cradles her child in her hands and the child's eyes meet the mother's affectionate eyes, the child receives the message that I am wanted and needed in this world. I have a comfortable place where I will always be
loved. I have nothing to fear. I feel like a king in my heart. This is Malchut: kingship.
Malchut of Chesed - The Sovereignty Aspect of Love
Mature love comes with - and brings - personal dignity. It is an intimate feeling of nobility and regality and knowing your special place and contribution in this world. Any love that is debilitating and breaks the human spirit is no love at all. For love to be complete it must have the dimension of personal sovereignty.
We all must recognize that each person has their individual will and right to make their own decisions, even when we disagree with these decisions. This innate need to exert our own will is evidenced early in life; some call it the 'terrible twos'. Although we would hope that someone we love and we are bonded with will always do things that please us, they often don't and it is best for us to accept that fact and respect their will. In order to fully choose to love and bond with someone, I must be able to choose not to. Even parents must give up control of their children, often before they are ready to do so, or the result is anger and frustration for all.
Love is the single most powerful and necessary component in life. Love is the origin and foundation of all human interactions. It is both giving and receiving. It allows us to reach above and beyond ourselves. To experience another person and to allow that person to experience us. It is the tool by which we learn to experience the highest reality - G-d. In a single word: love is transcendence.
DAY 1
Chesed of Chesed –The Love Aspect of Love –
Examine the love aspect of love. The expression of love and its level of intensity. Everyone has the capacity to love in their hearts.
The question is if and how we actualize and express it.
Ask yourself:
What is my capacity to love another person?
I’m not sure how one would quantify how much you can feel a feeling; but I do know that some people feel their feelings very intensely while others only graze the surface; so, I think capacity should be thought of in terms of how deeply one feels their feelings. If you can feel passionately about a cause or intensely angry about a disappointment, then you should be able to feel the same level of love for your mate.
Do I have problems with giving? Am I stingy or selfish?
It’s one thing to love someone, but something very different to give that feeling to the other. Some people just have trouble sharing, which is usually motivated by the sense that there’s not enough to go around. Someone who is stingy with their money and how they spend it on others is manifesting how one can be stingy with their love. This is indeed a bleak position and can only lead to loneliness, even while in the presence of others.
Do I have room for someone else?
If you are overwhelmed with life, whether it be work, kids, aging parents, illness, or whatever you are facing, you probably don’t have room for someone else. Not having room should be a relatively temporary situation, not a life long condition.
Do I allow room for someone else?
Sometimes our defenses can be our enemy rather than our ally. It’s all too easy to think of many reasons why another isn’t quite right
for us because it’s easier to reject up front than to perhaps get rejected later on. Do we really need to be so busy with work and fixing up the house to the exclusion of a relationship?
Is it difficult for me to let someone else into my life?
Letting someone in means letting your guard down and some people hold onto their walls for fear they will get demolished in the experience of being intimate with another.
Am I afraid of my vulnerability, of opening up and getting hurt?
It makes sense to avoid pain, but if we chose wisely, we diminish the potential for that pain. Too often I’ve known of people who were afraid of being hurt by a mate and they rejected one good choice after another, only to decide upon the person who was the most likely to hurt them in the way they feared the most. If we allow fear to make our decisions, we can be assured of hurt. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means you trust yourself to make good choices and be able to handle whatever consequences may arise of your choices.
How do I express love?
People show their love in different ways and sometimes that difference causes difficulty with their mate. If one shows their love by doing things and their mate just wants a hug, the expression of love will get missed. How I let my mate know I love them has to be expressed in a way they can hear.
Am I able to communicate my true feelings?
All feelings are real even if they’re not based in reality, so getting to the root of a feeling can sometimes be arduous. Often, by the time we get to our true feeling, we have processed enough emotion that we can communicate clearly.
Do I withhold expressing love out of fear of reaction?
If you fear that your mate does not love you enough to respond positively to your declaration, there is something radically wrong with the relationship. If your fear is totally self generated, you are simply making an excuse to be stingy and withhold your love.
Do I often express too much too early?
I believe it was a Jerome Kern song that said, “Falling in love with love is falling for make believe. Falling in love with love is playing the fool.” If you love someone before you know them, you’re more likely in love with a projection you have placed on them.
Do others misunderstand my intentions?
If one person does, perhaps I need to do something different with that one person or perhaps nothing will be correct because they misunderstand others often. If, however, this is a common theme for me, I am not expressing love in a healthy way and must discern what I am doing that is not being felt as loving.
Whom do I love?
This has to do with how conditional or universal my love is. If I like people in general, it is easy to have a loving attitude towards them.
Do I only love those that I relate to and who relate to me?
This is conditional love and leads to arrogance towards those who I judge to be inferior to me. Regardless of what they look like and their stature in life, every one of us comes from the same place and will experience an exit into the unknown. That alone makes us all equal.
Do I have the capacity to love a stranger; to lend a helping hand to someone I don't know?
When I was a child and young adult, it was not uncommon to pick up a hitch hiker, but our world is very different now and there are too many predators waiting for the loving, naïve soul. My grandson and I passed a homeless man and his dog and my kind grandson wanted to give him money. Wanting to make sure his charity was appropriated correctly, I suggested he buy the man and dog some food when we went into the store. There are ways to be loving towards a stranger without being taken for a ride, either literally or figuratively.
Do I express love only when it's comfortable?
It should always be comfortable expressing appropriate love, so, if you can define times that you feel uncomfortable with the expression, examine what exactly is making you feel that way.
Why do I have problems with love and what can I do about it?
Once we recognize we do something that is dysfunctional, we are faced with the choice to perpetuate the error or do something different.
Does my love include the other six aspects of Chesed (discipline, harmony, endurance, humility, bonding, and sovereignty) without which love will be distorted and unable to be truly realized?
DAY 2
Gevurah of Chesed --The Discipline Aspect of Love
If love (Chesed) is the bedrock of human expression, discipline (Gevurah) is the channels through which we express love. It gives our life and love direction and focus. Take a laser beam: Its potency lies in the focus and concentration of light in one direction rather than fragmented light beams dispersed in all different directions. Gevurah - discipline and measure - concentrates and directs our efforts, our love in the proper directions. Another aspect of Gevurah is -respect and awe. Healthy love requires respect for the one you love.
Healthy love must always include an element of discipline. A degree of distance and respect for the other. An assessment of the person’s capacity to contain your love. Love must be tempered and directed properly. Ask a parent who in the name of love has spoiled his child; or someone who suffocates their spouse with love and doesn't allow her any space of her own. Love with discretion is necessary to avoid giving to those that don't deserve it.
Is my love disciplined enough?
Control and balance come from appropriate discipline. As soon as you’re feeling out of control of yourself in a relationship, your love has
become undisciplined. To do anything well, we must be disciplined in our efforts; this is as true with our emotions as it is will playing a sport.
Do others take advantage of my giving nature?
Sometimes caretakers get involved with people who are takers and the imbalance of giving and receiving happens pretty quickly. Too often, the giver will give more rather than less because caretakers give to fix things. It can be difficult for a giver to stop giving, but it is healthy and necessary if the relationship is out of balance.
In my love is there as much emphasis on the one I love and his ability to contain my love as there is on me and my giving?
The discipline of love calls for us to stop giving of ourselves to those who use and abuse our gift. Some people are an empty pit and they will drain us of our energy and ultimately it is hurtful to our selves to keep giving. The same would be true of those who stomp on and throw our love away. Rejection is not love. Can we love too much? Not if it’s a healthy love. I’ve never heard of a child who died because they were loved and nurtured too much; however some people can’t accept the love we give them, so it is wise to hold back until they are more able to receive.
Am I hurting anyone by becoming their crutch in the name of love?
Some parents can not accept that their child may have done something inappropriate at school and will defend their child in the face of conflicting evidence. In the parent’s effort to protect their child from negative consequences, they are teaching their child to avoid taking
responsibility for their behavior. The same would be true of a parent or relative giving someone money knowing that they probably will use it
for drugs or alcohol; they hear the sob story created to obtain the money and ignore their better judgment and give the person the money even thought they are certain it will go for their addiction.
Am I hurting my children by forcing upon them my value system because I love them so?
Almost every parent of a teenager knows there comes a time when that teen will reject their stated values and espouse contrary values. Interracial relationships are a good example of this. Most parents have their prejudices about who is good and not so good for their children, but sometimes they take the form of how the friend looks rather than the substance of the friend. Prejudice is a result of the parent’s skewed view of a certain race and ultimately it would be harmful for the child to carry on that value.
Do I respect the one I love or is it a selfish love?
It is through respect that we can accept the needs of our mate as important as our own. Sometimes it is important for the relationship for one person to do and enjoy something that is boring to them but important to their spouse. You can’t love someone you don’t respect and you are therefore more likely to be unconcerned about their needs.
Do I see my beloved as an extension of myself and my needs?
We all know people who are your best friend as long as you agree with them, but once you think differently, you are their devote enemy. When you see someone as an extension of yourself, you don’t like them to have any level of independence or separateness and there is a tendency to be suspicious of their attempts to think differently.
Am I sensitive to his feelings and attitudes?
We all want to be understood and heard and, if someone is doing something to me because it brings them pleasure, but not me, I would want them to alter their behavior because it doesn’t fill my need. Well, the reverse is true too. Again, this has to do with meeting someone on their level in their world, not where we want them to be or think they should be.
Rain is a blessing only because it falls in drops that don't flood the fields.
DAY 3
Tiferet of Chesed – The Compassion Aspect of Love
Tiferet - compassion - blends and harmonizes the free outpouring love of Chesed with the discipline of Gevurah. Tiferet possesses this power by introducing a third dimension - the dimension of truth, which is neither love or discipline and therefore can integrate the two.
Truth is accessed through selflessness: rising above your ego and your predispositions, enables you to realize truth. A clear and objective picture of yours and others needs. The imbalance of love and discipline (and for that matter, any distortion) is a result of a subjective,
hence limited perspective; introducing truth, by suspending personal prejudices, allows you to express your feelings (including the synthesis of Chesed and Gevurah) in the healthiest manner.
This quality gives Tiferet its name, which means beauty: it blends the differing colors of love and discipline, and this harmony makes it beautiful. For Tiferet to be complete it needs the inclusion of the following seven facets: love of compassion, discipline of compassion, compassion of compassion, endurance of compassion, humility of compassion, bonding of compassion and sovereignty of compassion.
Compassion is the ability to put yourself in the others shoes; to see and feel things from another person’s perspective. This requires empathy and being able to get out of your own point of view. There is love and there is beautiful love. True love includes empathy and compassion which makes it a beautiful love. Love is often fostered in expectation of reciprocity. Real love is expressed even when one gets nothing in return; even when the other doesn't deserve love. Tiferet is giving also to those that have hurt you. It acknowledges the discipline of Gevurah and says that, nevertheless, compassionate love calls for helping all.
Love without compassion is obligatory love. A step parent may love the child of their new spouse, but it is not a love based on really knowing the child. Estranged siblings may still love their sibling, but it is based on societal and ingrained obligation. There is no heart to love without compassion.
DAY 4
Netzach of Chesed - The Endurance Aspect of Love
Endurance and ambition is a combination of determination and tenacity. It is a balance of patience, persistence and guts. Endurance is also being reliable and accountable, which establishes security and commitment. Without endurance, any good endeavor or intention has no chance of success.
Endurance means to be alive, to be driven by what counts. It is the readiness to fight for what you believe, to go all the way. Without such commitment any undertaking remains flat and empty. It is an energy which comes from within and stops at nothing to achieve its goals. This, of course, requires that endurance be closely examined to ensure that it is used in a healthy and productive manner.
Ask yourself: How committed am I to my values?
Every teenager has to experiment with values different and even opposite of how they were raised. Just as they test their parents, they test themselves; some may even do something they are later ashamed to admit. Sometimes we have to fail to realize how committed we are, but enduring commitment comes at the point there is no question about what we do as we consistently follow our core values.
How much would I fight for them?
The whole point of adolescence is to determine your values by looking at what you’ve been taught and deciding if it fits for you. Once we have determined our values, we will fight for them to the extent that we have developed our endurance. Weak people give into pressure and can then compromise their values.
Am I easily swayed?
I once knew an administrator who would diplomatically say, “I feel strongly both ways.” He was at least conscious of his choice to bounce back and forth over the fence. There are some who are easily manipulated, but don’t know it’s happening because they are so eager to
please; they let others think for them.
What price am I ready to pay for my beliefs?
Catholic children grow up reading about the Saints, many of whom were martyrs who died for their faith. This is the ultimate price to pay for your beliefs. It can be difficult and conflictual to maintain a belief that others oppose and it takes tenacious endurance to maintain what you believe.
Is there any truth for which I would be ready to give my life?
In today’s society, there are few places one would need to give up their life for their beliefs, but we can lose our life in many ways. Sometimes, taking an unpopular position figuratively kills you, but you’re still dead to whatever ended. People have quit jobs and ended careers based on a conflict of beliefs with those in power.
Effective endurance needs to encompass the following seven ingredients: love, discipline, compassion, endurance, humility, bonding and dignity. The problems people have with endurance and commitment are due to a lack of one or more of these seven components
In order for something to survive, it must be able to persist over time and withstand challenges. Without resolution, we would waver with every struggle and lose focus on whatever it is we are striving to achieve. It is important to be consistent, for trust to develop and grow.
Does my love withstand challenges and setbacks?
Life has its ups and downs and it's easy to feel love when everything is going well, but the muster of our love is when things are not going well. It is through endurance that we are able to love even when our world appears to be crumbling.
Is my love enduring?
Endurance is the ability to feel love towards someone regardless of whatever other things we may feel towards that person. It is sometimes very difficult to love someone while you are angry with them, but it is the endurance aspect of love that enables us to stay connected and continue in our love.
How much am I ready to fight for the love I have?
When things are tough between two people, it is easy to flee physically and emotionally. To do this for a short time while we regroup is to be expected, but when it goes on for prolonged periods, the love once shared becomes empty. When times are difficult with the one we love, our ability to persist is what keeps our love alive.
Does my love have spirit and valor?
Endurance should not be confused with stubbornness and spirit and valor modify any tendency towards obstinacy. Persistence for the sake of not letting go is not healthy endurance, nor is persisting long after you should have let go.
Do something that takes fight for a loved one.
DAY 5
Hod of Chesed – The Humility Aspect of Love
If endurance is the engine of life humility is its fuel. As Gevurah (discipline) gives Chesed (love) focus, Hod gives Netzach direction.
Humility is the silent partner of endurance. Its strength is in its silence. Its splendor in its repose. Humility leads to yielding, which is an essential element of Humility -and the resulting yielding - should not be confused with weakness and lack of self-esteem.
Humility is modesty; it is acknowledgement (from the root "hoda'ah"). It is saying "thank you" to G-d. It is clearly recognizing your qualities and strengths and acknowledging that they are not your own; they were given to you by G-d for a higher purpose than just satisfying your own needs. Humility is modesty; it is recognizing how small you are which allows you to realize how large you can become. And that makes humility so formidable.
Endurance draws its energy from the acknowledgement of humility. Human endurance goes only as far as your tolerance level. Acknowledging that your strengths come from a higher place gives you the power to endure far beyond your own perceived capacity. It gives you part of G-d's enduring strength.
A full cup cannot be filled. When you're filled with yourself and your needs, "I and nothing else", there is no room for more. When you "empty" yourself before something which is greater than yourself, you allow in much more than your limited capacity. Humility is the key to transcendence; to reach beyond yourself. Only true humility gives you the power of total objectivity.
Humility is sensitivity; it is healthy shame out of recognition that you can be better than you are and that you expect more of yourself. Although humility is silent it is not a void. It is a dynamic expression of life that includes all seven qualities of love, discipline, compassion, endurance, humility, bonding and sovereignty. Humility is active not passive. Not a state of being but an interaction even in its calm and inaction.
You can often get locked in love and be unable to forgive your beloved or to bend or compromise your position. Hod introduces the aspect of humility in love; the ability to rise above yourself and forgive or give in to the one you love just for the sake of love even if you're convinced that you're right. Arrogant love is not love.
Does love humble me?
It’s important to understand that being humble doesn’t mean being less than or letting others take advantage of you. The first reflects poor self esteem and the latter is self abusive. Humility has to do with the realization that we are very small indeed and our will is secondary to what God has in store for us. I can only hope that God will be gentle with me.
Am I arrogant in my love?
Sometimes one or both people in a relationship think their role is more important than the others; they make more money, they work harder, they take care of the kids 24/7. Whatever their justification for feeling superior to their mate, they are coming from a position of arrogance. When all is said and done, we all end up dead and that makes us all ultimately equal.
Do I realize that the ability to love comes from a greater, higher place; from G-d?
When you realize your loved one is in perfect harmony with you in your love exchange, you can’t help feeling awe for the wonderful gift God has given us.
And knowing that shouldn't I enter into any love with total humility, recognizing the great privilege of being able to love?
Knowing that the Divine gave us the gift of love should easily translate into the recognition of God within the relationship. We are certainly humble in the presence of our God.
Do I realize that through love I receive more than I give?
Emotions are contagious and the prime example of the adage, “You get what you give.” The nice thing about love is it feels good; it feels good to give it and it feels good to receive it. When you are in a healthy relationship, the love that you share is a continuous stream from one to the other, a stream with no beginning and no end.
Do I appreciate the one I love for this?
How could I not appreciate the one I love for helping me feel wonderful? Humble love, equal love is divine.
Swallow your pride and reconcile with a loved one you have quarreled with.
DAY 6
Yesod of Chesed – The Bonding Aspect of Love
Bonding is the ultimate emotional connection. While the first five qualities (love, discipline, compassion, endurance and humility) are interactive, they manifest duality: the lover and the beloved. The emphasis is on an individual's feelings, not necessarily on mutuality.
Bonding, on the other hand, is a complete fusion of the two. Without bonding no feeling can be truly realized. Bonding means connecting; not only feeling for another, but being attached to him. Not just a token commitment, but total devotion. It creates a channel between giver and receiver. Bonding is eternal. It develops an everlasting union that lives on forever through the perpetual fruit it bears. Bonding is the foundation of life. Bonding is the emotional spine of the human psyche. Every person needs bonding to flourish and grow. The bonding between mother and child; between husband and wife; between brothers and sisters; between close friends is affirmation and it gives one the sense of belonging; that "I matter", "I am significant and important". It establishes trust - trust in your self and trust in others. It instills confidence. Without bonding and nurturing we cannot realize and be our best selves.
Bonding channels all five previous qualities into a constructive bond, giving it the meaning "foundation". Whereas all other human feelings are individual emotions, separate stories of a building, each a necessary component of human experience, bonding channels and integrates them all into one bond which creates a foundation upon which the structure of human emotions firmly stands. Bonding is giving all of your self not just part; it is not one emotion but all of them. So Yesod completes the spectrum of the first six emotions.
The foundation of Yesod is different from an ordinary foundation. It does not just rest beneath the higher levels of the structure, but encompasses them all. It is an effective bedrock of the emotional psyche that cannot remain separate but must include and permeate all the emotions. Only then can bonding be constructive and everlasting.
For love to be eternal it requires bonding and a sense of togetherness that actualizes the love in a joint effort. Bonding establishes an
intimate connection, kinship, and attachment that benefits both parties. This bonding eventually bears fruit; the fruit born out of a healthy
union.
In order for a baby to survive, their mother needs to be able to bond to the newborn and the newborn to them. As a child grows, the strength of this bond will influence the person’s abilities throughout their life. Appropriate bonding develops trust and the ability to make good
decisions. If we don’t feel bonded to something, it is emotionally easy to misuse and discard it; it is our bonding that makes the other
meaningful.
DAY 7
Sovereignty - the last of the seven attributes - is different than the previous six. It is a state of being rather than an activity.
Leadership is a passive expression of human dignity which has nothing of its own except that which it receives from the other six emotions.
On the other hand, Malchut manifests and actualizes the character and majesty of the human spirit. It is the very fiber of what makes us human. When love, discipline, compassion, endurance and humility are properly channeled into the psyche through bonding -the result is Malchut. Bonding nurtures us and allows our sovereignty to surface and flourish. Malchut is a sense of belonging, knowing that you matter and that you make a difference and that you have the ability to be a proficient leader in your own right. It gives you independence and confidence and a feeling of certainty and authority. When a mother lovingly cradles her child in her hands and the child's eyes meet the mother's affectionate eyes, the child receives the message that I am wanted and needed in this world. I have a comfortable place where I will always be
loved. I have nothing to fear. I feel like a king in my heart. This is Malchut: kingship.
Malchut of Chesed - The Sovereignty Aspect of Love
Mature love comes with - and brings - personal dignity. It is an intimate feeling of nobility and regality and knowing your special place and contribution in this world. Any love that is debilitating and breaks the human spirit is no love at all. For love to be complete it must have the dimension of personal sovereignty.
We all must recognize that each person has their individual will and right to make their own decisions, even when we disagree with these decisions. This innate need to exert our own will is evidenced early in life; some call it the 'terrible twos'. Although we would hope that someone we love and we are bonded with will always do things that please us, they often don't and it is best for us to accept that fact and respect their will. In order to fully choose to love and bond with someone, I must be able to choose not to. Even parents must give up control of their children, often before they are ready to do so, or the result is anger and frustration for all.