Week Six - Yesod - Bonding
Bonding is the ultimate emotional connection. While the first five qualities (love, discipline, compassion, endurance and humility) are interactive, they manifest duality: the lover and the beloved. The emphasis is on an individual's feelings, not necessarily on mutuality. Bonding, on the other hand, is a complete fusion of the two. Without bonding no feeling can be truly realized. Bonding means connecting; not only feeling for another, but being attached to him. Not just a token commitment, but total devotion. It creates a channel between giver and receiver. Bonding is eternal. It develops an everlasting union that lives on forever through the perpetual fruit it bears. Bonding is the foundation of life, the emotional spine of the human psyche. Every person needs bonding to flourish and grow. The bonding between mother and child; between husband and wife; between brothers and sisters; between close friends is affirmation and gives one the sense of belonging; that "I matter",
"I am significant and important". It establishes trust in your self, trust in others, and confidence. Without bonding and nurturing we cannot
realize and be ourselves.
Bonding channels all five previous qualities into a constructive bond, giving it the meaning "foundation". Whereas all other human feelings are individual emotions, separate stories of a building, each a necessary component of human experience, bonding channels and integrates them all into one bond which creates a foundation upon which the structure of human emotions firmly stands. Bonding is giving all of yourself not just part; it is not one emotion but all of them. So Yesod completes the spectrum of the first six emotions.
The foundation of Yesod is different from an ordinary foundation. It does not just rest beneath the higher levels of the structure, but encompasses them all. An effective bedrock of the emotional psyche cannot remain separate but must include and permeate all the emotions. Only then can bonding be constructive and everlasting.
Day 36
Chesed of Yesod – The Love Aspect of Bonding
Love is the heart of bonding. You cannot bond without love. Love establishes a reliable base which allows bonding to build on. If you have a problem bonding, examine how much you love the one (or the object) you wish to bond with.
Do I try to bond without first fostering a loving attitude?
We all know someone who fell madly in love with someone on their first date and may even have had a relationship with this person for some amount of time, only to find the person precipitously emotionally or physically gone. The other person may not even have been interested, so the more one tries to make something happen, the more scarce the other becomes.
Is my bonding expressed in a loving manner?
If there is a push-pull in your relationship, you can assume that the bonding is not being expressed in a loving manner. If one is too needy, too demanding, too self centered, too erratic in their attempts to bond, the relationship may have a bond, but it will be negative. When you bond with another in a loving manner, it feels good and that adds to the wish to bond. This cycle of positive feeling creates a very deep and healthy bond.
Do I demonstrate the bond I have with others through acts of love?
Some people can talk the talk, but can’t walk the walk and this is where the walk starts. How things are run around the house is a good example. If both people really are doing their part taking care of necessary household and child care chores, there wouldn’t be a problem. If
one person is particularly busy, the other picks up the slack; a couple is a bonded team just like any other good team. Doing the extra chore is an act of love and an act of bonding to the relationship and the common goals of them relationship.
Day 37
Gevurah of Yesod – The Discipline Aspect of Bonding
Examine the discipline of your bonding. Bonding must be done with discretion and careful consideration with whom and with what you bond. Even the healthiest and closest bonding needs "time out", a respect for each individual's space.
Do I overbond?
We’ve all known someone who gets involved in a relationship and suddenly becomes 100% unavailable for other activities. It’s humorous to see a person who won’t go anywhere or do anything without their mate, but this will stunt the growth of each person and the relationship. Some people may over bond with work or a hobby, justifying this with how important work or these other activities are, however, whenever we do one activity to the exclusion or detriment of another necessary activity, we are out of balance and over bonded to that particular activity.
Am I too dependent on the one I bond with or are they too dependent on me?
There’s a difference between being attached and very in tune with what you mate or child needs and being dependent upon them. I may not like to go hiking alone and may decide not to go if I’m alone, but if I rely on another to go hiking, I’ve become dependent upon them. While it may be appropriate for children to expect their parents do the dishes and their laundry, if one spouse is waiting for the other to produce clean clothes, they have become dependent.
Do I bond out of desperation?
When we’re feeling lonely and unloved, there is a tendency to settle for a relationship that doesn’t really fulfill our needs or we may stay in a bad relationship for fear of being alone. This scenario never has a happy ending. Sometimes a parent will over bond with a child if their spouse is unavailable. This prevents the parent from dealing with the issues of their life and, more importantly, inhibits the emotional growth of the child.
Do I bond with healthy, wholesome people?
There are many people we have to deal with in a work environment that we would never choose as a friend outside of work. Sometimes, work pushes them together enough that they do develop a relationship that ultimately leads to problems. If you are spending time with someone whose values are radically different than your own, you may think it’s really no big deal, but their lack of values will eventually erode yours.
Does my bonding need adjustment?
If you are feeling out of balance, you are over bonded to something. It could be as simple as an idea that you’re not willing to let go of or
as complicated as a major change in how you live your life.
Day 38
Tiferet of Yesod – The Compassion Aspect of Bonding
Bonding needs to be not only loving but also compassionate, feeling your friend's pain and empathizing with him.
Is my bonding conditional?
Sometimes our compassion to someone we love is conditional on whether or not we agree with them about their issue. If we disagree with their judgment, we may withdraw emotionally, in essence, withdraw our connection. Obviously, if someone is toxic, we should withdraw from them; this focuses on those we have chosen to bond with.
Do I withdraw when I am uncomfortable with my friend's troubles?
Too much drama is often the reason why we decide to stop being friends with someone; there are people who live in constant turmoil of their own making and it is often wise to not bond with them. However, sometimes something really bad happens to someone we are bonded
to and their pain becomes our pain. When this happens, we are faced with experiencing their angst as they cope with their situation. Rarely
do our children grow up and live happily ever after; at some point they will face a crisis that we can’t fix, but must endure with them. Our bond with them is what makes us stay by their side. The same should be true of spouses, however, too often a tragedy such as the death of a child, ultimately leads to a severing of their bond.
When was the last time I offered help and support to someone I am bonding with who was dealing with an ordeal of some sort?
This only counts if you actually did something. There are many who hesitate to accept help and sometimes you have to help them anyway. Competent people have a difficult time accepting help, but the compassionate aspect of bonding lets us know when to give it anyway.
Day 39
Netzach of Yesod – The Endurance Aspect of Bonding
An essential component of bonding is its endurance, its ability to withstand challenges and setbacks. Without endurance there is no chance to develop true bonding.
Am I totally committed to the one I bond with?
Once we have committed to bonding with someone, we should be able to resolve anything except a breach in the bond of the relationship. We all have our idiosyncrasies; what real difference does it make to me if my spouse is messy or overly neat. If they’re messy, it gives me
permission to be a little messy myself and if they’re overly neat, it pushes me to be a little more organized. My commitment to them is to work with their likes and dislikes, just as I would expect them to do for me. Bonding is a two way commitment and this creates an enduring bond.
How much will I endure and how ready am I to fight to maintain this bond?
We have to draw a line in the sand somewhere and it is very important to know where your line is. For some people, any perceived or real insult is enough to start cutting away, while others will hold on until they are emotionally dead. Neither extreme has been able to identify the salient issues for a make-break of the relationship. If the other person has violated the core values of the relationship and shows no ability to completely comprehend and correct the level of devastation, there is nothing to fight for; a relationship needs two people working together. When we are talking about the every day foibles of people, there really shouldn’t be an issue. If the relationship is built on mutual respect, one or both will find a way to resolve any issue. When it comes to a parent-child relationship, this isn’t relevant until the child is old enough to be out of the home; until then, you’re stuck with each other so it’s best to get along even if that means not speaking. When a parent-child relationship goes astray, there are usually more people involved than just those two. Obviously, if the parent is toxic to the child or the child is involved in illegal activities, some distance might be appropriate; but if the relationship is relatively benign and a rift occurs, most often there is someone in the background inciting the separation.
Is the person I bond with aware of my devotion?
Actions do speak louder than words, so if my actions show that I am bonded and committed, the other person should be able to feel it.
That does not preclude verbalizing your devotion and intent to work things through; however it would be heard more as an FYI than a revelation.
Am I ready to overcome challenges that obstruct the bond?
The only things I can change are about me. If my spouse is beginning to do things that disrupt our bond, it is up to me to note it and it’s up to him to correct it. It may require that I also change a behavior that is impacting him in such a way that he then does something I don’t like. Again, there are two parts to this: what I do and what the other person does and we both have to be willing to be honest and diligent in our efforts to maintain our bond.
Day 40
Hod of Yesod – The Humility Aspect of Bonding
Humility is crucial in healthy bonding. Arrogance divides people. Preoccupation with your own desires and needs separates you from others. Humility allows you to appreciate another person and bond with him. Bonding that is just an extension of your own needs is only bonding tighter with yourself. Healthy bonding is the union of two distinct people, with independent personalities, who join for a higher purpose than satisfying their own needs. True humility comes from recognizing and acknowledging G-d in your life. Once we really see how God influences our life, it is hard not to be in total awe of the ways God has led us through difficult times and showered us with abundance.
Am I aware of the third partner - G-d - in bonding?
When you thank God for the wonderful people in your life, you are recognizing God’s part in the relationship.
Am I aware that G-d gives me the capacity to unite with another, despite our distinctions?
Once you connect to humility, you realize that God has given us every capacity that we have. God plants the seed for our desire to unite with God and with another, and we all develop those respective relationships a little differently.
Do I acknowledge G-d specifically for helping me bond with others?
If we are thanking God every day for everything we have, then the blessing of those to whom we have bonded would be included. Thank God for everything you have regardless of how easy or hard it was to attain.
When we approach another in bonding, we are open to the other with our heart and soul. This is both a strong and humble stance.
Day 41
Yesod of Yesod – The Bonding Aspect of Bonding
Examine the bonding aspect of bonding. The forms it takes and its level of expression. Every person needs and has the capacity to bond with other people, with significant undertakings and with meaningful experiences.
Do I have difficulty bonding?
This should be thought of only in relation to those who are in our immediate circle. There are some people who we have to relate to on a regular basis that we would not ordinarily relate to at all except for a particular circumstance. We do not have to bond with everyone, but those to whom we commit our bond, it should be a hundred percent.
Is the difficulty in all areas or only in certain ones?
If it is easier for me to bond to my job than to my family, I will always feel frustrated because my job won’t love me as much as my family is willing to love me. If it’s difficult for me to bond to my job, I would have to question if I like what I’m doing. When we love what we do, we do it with full commitment. If you can change what you’re doing, then look at your options; but sometimes we have to continue along one course
before we can change direction. If that is the case, embrace what you are doing and it will progress better.
Do I bond easily with my job, but have trouble bonding with people? Or vice versa?
Some people can easily focus on tasks or structured activities, but aren’t able to relate to other people.
Do I have problems bonding with special events in my life?
If you can’t remember your partner’s birthday or your wedding anniversary, it simply means it’s not that important to you. That’s not a bad thing in and of itself because some people just don’t remember things; however, if you happen to have a great memory for trivia or sports statistics, then you need to examine the cause of your negation of something that should be acknowledged.
If you are unable to bond with someone or something in your life, examine the reasons for not bonding.
Is it because I am too critical and find fault in everything as an excuse for not bonding?
This is a position of arrogance.
Am I too locked in my own ways?
This is a position of arrogance.
Is my not bonding a result of discomfort with vulnerability?
This reflects the need for more humility before God. As long as we trust God and trust our self to listen to God, we don’t need to worry about being vulnerable. We will do what we need to do and things will happen as they are supposed to. It is not up to us to determine the outcome of every person close to us or every relationship we have in our life.
Have I been hurt in my past bonding experiences?
Everyone has been hurt in a relationship at some point, that’s life and we need to move on. What we should do is reflect on what happened and if we did not chose wisely or if there was anything we could have done to prevent the ultimate hurt.
Has my trust been abused?
Our trust can abused only if we allow it to happen. We know when someone is taking advantage of us whether we wish to admit it or not. People always say they wished they listened to their gut reaction to someone after they’ve been used. When you examine your thought process at the time, you usually can identify all the things you said to yourself to talk yourself out of what you instinctually knew.
Is my fear of bonding a result of the deficient bonding I experienced as a child?
If you have identified this as an issue, then you have reflected upon your life enough that you are no longer living your life unconsciously. Once you have identified the problem, you then need to change your behavior. If you realize your parents were unreliable and that then leads you to avoid intimacy, continued fear can only be based upon your partner’s behavior. If they do things to cause you to have a lack of trust, then you should examine you choice. If, however, they are steadfast and true in their bonding with you, you have to retrain yourself in your relationships.
To cultivate your capacity to bond, even if you have valid reasons to distrust, you must remember that G-d gave you a Divine soul that is
nurturing and loving and you must learn to recognize the voice within, which will allow you to experience other people's souls and hearts. Then you can slowly drop your defenses when you recognize someone or something you can truly trust. For bonding to be possible it must embody the other six aspects of bonding. Successful bonding must also include actualizing the bond in constructive deeds. To actualize your bond with someone you love, commit designated time each day or week to spend together constructively. One additional point: Bonding breeds bonding. When you bond in one area of your life, it helps you bond in other areas. Begin bonding with a new person or experience you love by committing designated time each day or week to spend together constructively.
Day 42
Malchut of Yesod – The Sovereignty Aspect of Bonding
Bonding must enhance a person's sovereignty. It should nurture and strengthen your own dignity and the dignity of the one you bond with.
Does my bonding inhibit the expression of my personality and qualities?
Some people get lost in relationships; they suddenly are a different person who resembles their mate. Although we all take on certain characteristics of those to whom we are close, healthy bonding maintains the core self of the individual.
Does my bonding overwhelm and inhibit the other person’s expression of their personality and qualities?
It is not uncommon for the qualities that attracted you to your mate are also the qualities that can drive you crazy and you then want to change. If a woman is attracted to the ‘strong, silent’ type of guy, inevitably, she will complain that he won’t ever tell her how he feels. Any attempt to get him to express his feelings is an attempt to inhibit the expression of his personality.
Do I emphasize the strengths of the one I bond with?
If you truly respect the sovereignty of the other person, taking the example just given, you are thankful that you don’t have to worry about a lot of unnecessary whining and trust that he will tell you how he feels in the way he can express it when it needs to be expressed.
Bonding is the ultimate emotional connection. While the first five qualities (love, discipline, compassion, endurance and humility) are interactive, they manifest duality: the lover and the beloved. The emphasis is on an individual's feelings, not necessarily on mutuality. Bonding, on the other hand, is a complete fusion of the two. Without bonding no feeling can be truly realized. Bonding means connecting; not only feeling for another, but being attached to him. Not just a token commitment, but total devotion. It creates a channel between giver and receiver. Bonding is eternal. It develops an everlasting union that lives on forever through the perpetual fruit it bears. Bonding is the foundation of life, the emotional spine of the human psyche. Every person needs bonding to flourish and grow. The bonding between mother and child; between husband and wife; between brothers and sisters; between close friends is affirmation and gives one the sense of belonging; that "I matter",
"I am significant and important". It establishes trust in your self, trust in others, and confidence. Without bonding and nurturing we cannot
realize and be ourselves.
Bonding channels all five previous qualities into a constructive bond, giving it the meaning "foundation". Whereas all other human feelings are individual emotions, separate stories of a building, each a necessary component of human experience, bonding channels and integrates them all into one bond which creates a foundation upon which the structure of human emotions firmly stands. Bonding is giving all of yourself not just part; it is not one emotion but all of them. So Yesod completes the spectrum of the first six emotions.
The foundation of Yesod is different from an ordinary foundation. It does not just rest beneath the higher levels of the structure, but encompasses them all. An effective bedrock of the emotional psyche cannot remain separate but must include and permeate all the emotions. Only then can bonding be constructive and everlasting.
Day 36
Chesed of Yesod – The Love Aspect of Bonding
Love is the heart of bonding. You cannot bond without love. Love establishes a reliable base which allows bonding to build on. If you have a problem bonding, examine how much you love the one (or the object) you wish to bond with.
Do I try to bond without first fostering a loving attitude?
We all know someone who fell madly in love with someone on their first date and may even have had a relationship with this person for some amount of time, only to find the person precipitously emotionally or physically gone. The other person may not even have been interested, so the more one tries to make something happen, the more scarce the other becomes.
Is my bonding expressed in a loving manner?
If there is a push-pull in your relationship, you can assume that the bonding is not being expressed in a loving manner. If one is too needy, too demanding, too self centered, too erratic in their attempts to bond, the relationship may have a bond, but it will be negative. When you bond with another in a loving manner, it feels good and that adds to the wish to bond. This cycle of positive feeling creates a very deep and healthy bond.
Do I demonstrate the bond I have with others through acts of love?
Some people can talk the talk, but can’t walk the walk and this is where the walk starts. How things are run around the house is a good example. If both people really are doing their part taking care of necessary household and child care chores, there wouldn’t be a problem. If
one person is particularly busy, the other picks up the slack; a couple is a bonded team just like any other good team. Doing the extra chore is an act of love and an act of bonding to the relationship and the common goals of them relationship.
Day 37
Gevurah of Yesod – The Discipline Aspect of Bonding
Examine the discipline of your bonding. Bonding must be done with discretion and careful consideration with whom and with what you bond. Even the healthiest and closest bonding needs "time out", a respect for each individual's space.
Do I overbond?
We’ve all known someone who gets involved in a relationship and suddenly becomes 100% unavailable for other activities. It’s humorous to see a person who won’t go anywhere or do anything without their mate, but this will stunt the growth of each person and the relationship. Some people may over bond with work or a hobby, justifying this with how important work or these other activities are, however, whenever we do one activity to the exclusion or detriment of another necessary activity, we are out of balance and over bonded to that particular activity.
Am I too dependent on the one I bond with or are they too dependent on me?
There’s a difference between being attached and very in tune with what you mate or child needs and being dependent upon them. I may not like to go hiking alone and may decide not to go if I’m alone, but if I rely on another to go hiking, I’ve become dependent upon them. While it may be appropriate for children to expect their parents do the dishes and their laundry, if one spouse is waiting for the other to produce clean clothes, they have become dependent.
Do I bond out of desperation?
When we’re feeling lonely and unloved, there is a tendency to settle for a relationship that doesn’t really fulfill our needs or we may stay in a bad relationship for fear of being alone. This scenario never has a happy ending. Sometimes a parent will over bond with a child if their spouse is unavailable. This prevents the parent from dealing with the issues of their life and, more importantly, inhibits the emotional growth of the child.
Do I bond with healthy, wholesome people?
There are many people we have to deal with in a work environment that we would never choose as a friend outside of work. Sometimes, work pushes them together enough that they do develop a relationship that ultimately leads to problems. If you are spending time with someone whose values are radically different than your own, you may think it’s really no big deal, but their lack of values will eventually erode yours.
Does my bonding need adjustment?
If you are feeling out of balance, you are over bonded to something. It could be as simple as an idea that you’re not willing to let go of or
as complicated as a major change in how you live your life.
Day 38
Tiferet of Yesod – The Compassion Aspect of Bonding
Bonding needs to be not only loving but also compassionate, feeling your friend's pain and empathizing with him.
Is my bonding conditional?
Sometimes our compassion to someone we love is conditional on whether or not we agree with them about their issue. If we disagree with their judgment, we may withdraw emotionally, in essence, withdraw our connection. Obviously, if someone is toxic, we should withdraw from them; this focuses on those we have chosen to bond with.
Do I withdraw when I am uncomfortable with my friend's troubles?
Too much drama is often the reason why we decide to stop being friends with someone; there are people who live in constant turmoil of their own making and it is often wise to not bond with them. However, sometimes something really bad happens to someone we are bonded
to and their pain becomes our pain. When this happens, we are faced with experiencing their angst as they cope with their situation. Rarely
do our children grow up and live happily ever after; at some point they will face a crisis that we can’t fix, but must endure with them. Our bond with them is what makes us stay by their side. The same should be true of spouses, however, too often a tragedy such as the death of a child, ultimately leads to a severing of their bond.
When was the last time I offered help and support to someone I am bonding with who was dealing with an ordeal of some sort?
This only counts if you actually did something. There are many who hesitate to accept help and sometimes you have to help them anyway. Competent people have a difficult time accepting help, but the compassionate aspect of bonding lets us know when to give it anyway.
Day 39
Netzach of Yesod – The Endurance Aspect of Bonding
An essential component of bonding is its endurance, its ability to withstand challenges and setbacks. Without endurance there is no chance to develop true bonding.
Am I totally committed to the one I bond with?
Once we have committed to bonding with someone, we should be able to resolve anything except a breach in the bond of the relationship. We all have our idiosyncrasies; what real difference does it make to me if my spouse is messy or overly neat. If they’re messy, it gives me
permission to be a little messy myself and if they’re overly neat, it pushes me to be a little more organized. My commitment to them is to work with their likes and dislikes, just as I would expect them to do for me. Bonding is a two way commitment and this creates an enduring bond.
How much will I endure and how ready am I to fight to maintain this bond?
We have to draw a line in the sand somewhere and it is very important to know where your line is. For some people, any perceived or real insult is enough to start cutting away, while others will hold on until they are emotionally dead. Neither extreme has been able to identify the salient issues for a make-break of the relationship. If the other person has violated the core values of the relationship and shows no ability to completely comprehend and correct the level of devastation, there is nothing to fight for; a relationship needs two people working together. When we are talking about the every day foibles of people, there really shouldn’t be an issue. If the relationship is built on mutual respect, one or both will find a way to resolve any issue. When it comes to a parent-child relationship, this isn’t relevant until the child is old enough to be out of the home; until then, you’re stuck with each other so it’s best to get along even if that means not speaking. When a parent-child relationship goes astray, there are usually more people involved than just those two. Obviously, if the parent is toxic to the child or the child is involved in illegal activities, some distance might be appropriate; but if the relationship is relatively benign and a rift occurs, most often there is someone in the background inciting the separation.
Is the person I bond with aware of my devotion?
Actions do speak louder than words, so if my actions show that I am bonded and committed, the other person should be able to feel it.
That does not preclude verbalizing your devotion and intent to work things through; however it would be heard more as an FYI than a revelation.
Am I ready to overcome challenges that obstruct the bond?
The only things I can change are about me. If my spouse is beginning to do things that disrupt our bond, it is up to me to note it and it’s up to him to correct it. It may require that I also change a behavior that is impacting him in such a way that he then does something I don’t like. Again, there are two parts to this: what I do and what the other person does and we both have to be willing to be honest and diligent in our efforts to maintain our bond.
Day 40
Hod of Yesod – The Humility Aspect of Bonding
Humility is crucial in healthy bonding. Arrogance divides people. Preoccupation with your own desires and needs separates you from others. Humility allows you to appreciate another person and bond with him. Bonding that is just an extension of your own needs is only bonding tighter with yourself. Healthy bonding is the union of two distinct people, with independent personalities, who join for a higher purpose than satisfying their own needs. True humility comes from recognizing and acknowledging G-d in your life. Once we really see how God influences our life, it is hard not to be in total awe of the ways God has led us through difficult times and showered us with abundance.
Am I aware of the third partner - G-d - in bonding?
When you thank God for the wonderful people in your life, you are recognizing God’s part in the relationship.
Am I aware that G-d gives me the capacity to unite with another, despite our distinctions?
Once you connect to humility, you realize that God has given us every capacity that we have. God plants the seed for our desire to unite with God and with another, and we all develop those respective relationships a little differently.
Do I acknowledge G-d specifically for helping me bond with others?
If we are thanking God every day for everything we have, then the blessing of those to whom we have bonded would be included. Thank God for everything you have regardless of how easy or hard it was to attain.
When we approach another in bonding, we are open to the other with our heart and soul. This is both a strong and humble stance.
Day 41
Yesod of Yesod – The Bonding Aspect of Bonding
Examine the bonding aspect of bonding. The forms it takes and its level of expression. Every person needs and has the capacity to bond with other people, with significant undertakings and with meaningful experiences.
Do I have difficulty bonding?
This should be thought of only in relation to those who are in our immediate circle. There are some people who we have to relate to on a regular basis that we would not ordinarily relate to at all except for a particular circumstance. We do not have to bond with everyone, but those to whom we commit our bond, it should be a hundred percent.
Is the difficulty in all areas or only in certain ones?
If it is easier for me to bond to my job than to my family, I will always feel frustrated because my job won’t love me as much as my family is willing to love me. If it’s difficult for me to bond to my job, I would have to question if I like what I’m doing. When we love what we do, we do it with full commitment. If you can change what you’re doing, then look at your options; but sometimes we have to continue along one course
before we can change direction. If that is the case, embrace what you are doing and it will progress better.
Do I bond easily with my job, but have trouble bonding with people? Or vice versa?
Some people can easily focus on tasks or structured activities, but aren’t able to relate to other people.
Do I have problems bonding with special events in my life?
If you can’t remember your partner’s birthday or your wedding anniversary, it simply means it’s not that important to you. That’s not a bad thing in and of itself because some people just don’t remember things; however, if you happen to have a great memory for trivia or sports statistics, then you need to examine the cause of your negation of something that should be acknowledged.
If you are unable to bond with someone or something in your life, examine the reasons for not bonding.
Is it because I am too critical and find fault in everything as an excuse for not bonding?
This is a position of arrogance.
Am I too locked in my own ways?
This is a position of arrogance.
Is my not bonding a result of discomfort with vulnerability?
This reflects the need for more humility before God. As long as we trust God and trust our self to listen to God, we don’t need to worry about being vulnerable. We will do what we need to do and things will happen as they are supposed to. It is not up to us to determine the outcome of every person close to us or every relationship we have in our life.
Have I been hurt in my past bonding experiences?
Everyone has been hurt in a relationship at some point, that’s life and we need to move on. What we should do is reflect on what happened and if we did not chose wisely or if there was anything we could have done to prevent the ultimate hurt.
Has my trust been abused?
Our trust can abused only if we allow it to happen. We know when someone is taking advantage of us whether we wish to admit it or not. People always say they wished they listened to their gut reaction to someone after they’ve been used. When you examine your thought process at the time, you usually can identify all the things you said to yourself to talk yourself out of what you instinctually knew.
Is my fear of bonding a result of the deficient bonding I experienced as a child?
If you have identified this as an issue, then you have reflected upon your life enough that you are no longer living your life unconsciously. Once you have identified the problem, you then need to change your behavior. If you realize your parents were unreliable and that then leads you to avoid intimacy, continued fear can only be based upon your partner’s behavior. If they do things to cause you to have a lack of trust, then you should examine you choice. If, however, they are steadfast and true in their bonding with you, you have to retrain yourself in your relationships.
To cultivate your capacity to bond, even if you have valid reasons to distrust, you must remember that G-d gave you a Divine soul that is
nurturing and loving and you must learn to recognize the voice within, which will allow you to experience other people's souls and hearts. Then you can slowly drop your defenses when you recognize someone or something you can truly trust. For bonding to be possible it must embody the other six aspects of bonding. Successful bonding must also include actualizing the bond in constructive deeds. To actualize your bond with someone you love, commit designated time each day or week to spend together constructively. One additional point: Bonding breeds bonding. When you bond in one area of your life, it helps you bond in other areas. Begin bonding with a new person or experience you love by committing designated time each day or week to spend together constructively.
Day 42
Malchut of Yesod – The Sovereignty Aspect of Bonding
Bonding must enhance a person's sovereignty. It should nurture and strengthen your own dignity and the dignity of the one you bond with.
Does my bonding inhibit the expression of my personality and qualities?
Some people get lost in relationships; they suddenly are a different person who resembles their mate. Although we all take on certain characteristics of those to whom we are close, healthy bonding maintains the core self of the individual.
Does my bonding overwhelm and inhibit the other person’s expression of their personality and qualities?
It is not uncommon for the qualities that attracted you to your mate are also the qualities that can drive you crazy and you then want to change. If a woman is attracted to the ‘strong, silent’ type of guy, inevitably, she will complain that he won’t ever tell her how he feels. Any attempt to get him to express his feelings is an attempt to inhibit the expression of his personality.
Do I emphasize the strengths of the one I bond with?
If you truly respect the sovereignty of the other person, taking the example just given, you are thankful that you don’t have to worry about a lot of unnecessary whining and trust that he will tell you how he feels in the way he can express it when it needs to be expressed.